A life for a life
by smaragdbird
Summary: She's not sure she can do this again when it went so horribly wrong the first time around but this time she's not alone TJ/Varro, AU


The prospect of having a child ever again had terrified her. She had lost Carmen, lost her twice and with her illness waiting just around the corner…TJ knew that she couldn't have done it alone, not again, not after everything.

However this time she wasn't alone. Varro had, with infinite patience and calm, stood at her side. He had listened to all her fears and insecurities, had held her through every nightmare and every painful memory.

TJ cried when she became certain. Carmen was always there in the back of her mind like a wound that would never heal completely. She couldn't go through this again, the fear, the hope, the knowledge it would crush her. She told him though, no hesitation, no drawing it out like the last time. Because Varro loved her and she loved him and while they were both broken they were broken together.

"Tamara", he said, wrapping his strong arms around her. He made her feel small and safe and protected.

"Tamara", he said again, holding her as she cried. No empty promises, no hollow soothing words, just her name said in a way no one else called her anymore.

The others didn't know how to react, whether to treat the news as good as bad, except Riley who kissed her cheek and said, "Congratulations. It's time you got something good back."

"Thanks", she answered. They understood each other. Riley had escaped death three time, had lost most of his right leg and three fingers but he could still smile genuinely. He knew what it was like to have a part of himself missing.

"I don't know if I can do this again", TJ said quietly, drawing her knees up to her chin.

"What other choice do you have?" Riley asked back. He was right. Contraception was long gone. People either got creative or they risked it. TJ had and she had lost. "It doesn't have to end like last time", he told her. His optimism felt warmer than anyone save Varro ha said or done.

But that wasn't all that had her worried and awake at this time of the night. The other TJ had never seen any of her children grow up. She had died slowly and painfully just after a few years.

"All of us could have died a lot of times", Riley said when she told him about it. "Most of the time we didn't. I guess Destiny does look out for us, as well as she can."

"You really believe that?" She asked.

"I have a friend on Atlantis. He told me once that the city is alive. Why shouldn't Destiny be alive, too?"

"It's a nice thought", TJ said, "I hope you're right."

He took her hand and held on tightly. "There are worse places to have a baby than on a spaceship a couple billion light years from home. I mean we got electricity, running water but I personally wouldn't let Rush babysit."

TJ laughed against her will.

"Thank you", she told him sincerely.

"You're welcome. After all you saved my life a couple times."

"That's because you always get into trouble", she teased him.

Riley rolled his eyes. "That's what Adam says. I guess unadventurous people don't decide to join the Stargate Program."

She leaned her head against his shoulder. "I'm glad you did."

"Yeah", Riley said, "me, too." And despite everything that had happened to the two of them she understood what he meant.

There were good times too. The first time she felt her child move inside her. When Varro could feel it was well, laying his hand on her stomach and how his smile told her that this was the most wonderful thing that could have ever happened to him.

The moment she held her daughter in her arms for the first time after she was born and she was tiny and perfect, just like Carmen had been and TJ felt happy in a completeness she hadn't felt for a long time.

"What's her name?" Chloe asked.

TJ had asked Varro for his wife's name but he had shaken his head. "A new name for a new life."

"How about Destiny?" Vanessa asked with a grin.

TJ shook her head. "It's Zoe. Her name is Zoe." She looked at Varro who held their daughter. She almost seemed to vanish in his large hands. "A new name for a new life." He returned her smile.

"Welcome to Destiny, little Zoe", Eli said with a huge smile. "You'll have coolest childhood ever." He sounded like he meant it.

"Don't let the scientists do the babysitting or she'll say 'multidimensional hyperdrive' before she says 'mum' and 'dad'", Greer advised her which earned him more than a few noises of protest from the scientists.

"Ah this explains where everyone vanished to", Rush said, walking into the infirmary. "Mr. Brody, Mr. Volker, I'm sure you have other things to do than to stand around here. Eli I need you to finish the algorithm."

"But TJ – " Eli started.

" – has given birth to the newest member of our little crew and needs rest and not an audience." Rush finished for him, ushering the scientist and most other people out.

"She's a beauty, by the way, congratulations", he said in the door before leaving as well.

"That's one of the nicest things he has ever said", Chloe commented. She laid a hand on TJ's shoulder. "I should go. He's right, you need the rest. I'm happy for you."

"Still, don't let him babysit", Riley smiled, kissing her forehead. TJ could see that Adam had returned to wait for Riley. Ever since the shuttle crash where Riley had lost his leg he was anxious to leave Riley alone for more than a few moments.

The last person to come to see her was Young. She wasn't surprised that he had taken this long. Even though it had been three years since they had broken up and nearly two since Carmen died it was still awkward sometimes.

She also doubted that it was a coincidence that he turned up when Varro was away to get her something to eat.

"TJ", he said, standing in the doorway as if he wasn't sure whether he should come in or not.

"Sir", she replied. In her arms Zoe was sniffling in her sleep.

"I'm happy for you", he told her still standing in the doorway.

"Thank you", she said and meant it.

"I'll see you. Take care."

"You too."

And just like that he was gone again.

When Varro came back he took a moment to stand in the doorway to watch her and Zoe.

"Hey", he said, a slow smile lighting up his face.

"Hey", she replied, returning his smile. "I missed you."


End file.
